Dark Little Secret

Buckle up, it's my 'Emo' moment.

I always thought of myself as a single fighter, means that I always by myself, facing anything. I still feel alone after all these years, and it's pretty crazy because I love being around people and yet I kind of avoiding it at the same time. I love being alone and hate it at the same time. I'm full of contradiction.

I always fly solo, I see my friends they have strong bonds among their peers and I don't feel that I have that. I know that and I think, I think, they know that too. It's such a pity party I'm having here and I feel really empty.

Feeling suicidal? not really. I don't see suicide as an answer for any single problems, but I admit the thought of it running wild couple times and that thought kind of waiting on me, like a predator. I'm all for denial, either bad or good. When I was a kid, I was on denial on Santa Claus. When I got older, I was denial on weight and studies. Now I kind of being denial on any aspects, problems, weight issues, futures and so on. I'm on denial that I have a good life, I have a great times and shits, but actually I'm not. I just felt like I'm good at covering it.

It came to my head when I visit a tattoo parlor in Singapore. The tattoo artist talked about the Gemini thing, she said that Gemini has two 'persona' and it's kinda literal. I absolutely agree. I can't really feel that, but I think that I play a good numbers of personality and I played them well.

I don't know what future helds but I really wish it's a good one. Misery loves company